This morning, I woke up in paradise. In a bed that felt like it was made of clouds, in a villa that looks like it belongs in a romance novel. When I crawled out of that white, fluffy paradise this morning to get to ‘work’, I didn’t expect to have an epiphany.
It snuck up on me. Isn’t that always how it works?
This week, I am at Reset Retreat in beautiful Hopkins, Belize. I cofounded this company in an effort to share the life altering experiences… the perception shifts… the clarity that I have gained in my own travels with others. Somehow, in the midst of the planning, and the logistics, and the guest services, I found a moment of clarity.
Let me give you a little preview about what a day – hell, HALF a day – at Reset Retreat is like from my eyes.
In this morning’s yoga practice, the inimitable Lauren Zinn Buck guided us to choose our intention for today. How we want to feel at the end of our practice. The first thing that comes to mind.
Easy. I want to feel at peace. Now, embody that intention in the present moment. Be the intention. Live the intention now.
I am peace.
Wait, that doesn’t make sense…
I am at peace.
We continued the practice, occasionally bringing our focus back to our intention. Repeating it to ourselves with every exhale.
I am at peace. I am at peace. I am at peace.
It was a lovely practice, but it seemed innocuous. It drifted from my mind as I became absorbed in the coffee and conversation that surrounded breakfast. After breakfast, we came together as a group for our first life coaching session. As we prepared to introduce ourselves, our life coach Amanda McPherson instructed us to choose a word from the dozens of cards scattered on the coffee table in front of us. A word that spoke to us.
Uncertainty. I’d been feeling that way a bit lately.
Confusion. That could work.
Peace. That word again. My intention from this morning’s yoga practice came back in full force. I want that one.
So I chose peace.
I chose peace because I want to feel at peace, and I don’t.
My life is amazing. It’s like living in a dream. But my mind doesn’t believe it. I’m picking myself apart, and maybe for no good reason other than I’m overthinking everything. I’m tormenting myself mentally because I think that there’s something wrong with me. There may be some basis to those beliefs, but I can’t think of any real reason to allow myself to suffer this mental distress. I just want to be at peace.
What was I agonizing over?
The fact that I want connection. I want to have a good relationship with my family. Friends. Lovers. I want to love. I want to be loved.
A couple of years ago, after focusing my whole life on other people’s goals, dreams, and happiness, I decided I’d had enough. I chose myself. I walked away from my life as I knew it, and the people that were part of that life. My husband, my family, my friends. I packed up my life, and hit the road. I built myself the life that I want. I am happy. I am proud of who I am. I wake up every day excited. I made those decisions for myself, and they were without questions the right choices.
So why am I craving these connections? I don’t need them. I had them… I gave them up… and I don’t regret it. So what’s wrong with me??
And then someone said something that struck me. “It is only when you are truly whole and happy yourself that have the capacity to give and make others happy.”
It was like getting slapped across the face. That was it. I want to connect, I want to love, I want to share… because I am whole now. I am happy. I am ready to give love, share life, and enrich others, because I am me, and the very best version of me.
So that’s it. Four hours. That’s all it took.
I am at peace.