My entire life I wanted to become a music star. It defined me. It wasn’t just that I wanted to be one, I took the steps to make it happen. I drove myself to take paths to help me reach that dream. I accomplished a lot I was proud of, from writing and producing my own CD to forming a highly professional Motown cover band, to working for years to learn the industry’s business.
At 26 years old, I was hit with a bomb: My dream wasn’t even what I really, truly wanted. I had been too focused on getting there that I didn’t realize that there wasn’t who I was.
I loathe the industry. I’m insanely uncomfortable in front of a crowd. I cannot remember lyrics to save my life, which creates so much anxiety in performance that I shut down. There are so many reasons “being a star” is not a fit for who I am.
I was putting two opposite ends of a magnet together and trying to make them fit.
So many years were spent trying to jump hurdles and obstacles to push myself to want it. If I work a little harder, those fears and discomforts will be whisked away and I’ll love the industry again. They were not. I was totally unhappy and didn’t look forward to my rehearsals and it was physically making me ill.
I finally let go of my dream and set it out to sail. It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I’ve ever done. The hardest because I didn’t know who I was after that. But the easiest because I knew with that release, I would eventually find myself and it would be the authentic me.
I knew that someday music would sail back to me and I could dive deep into which parts do make me happy … because it’s my soul. It’s my religion. I can feel it inside trying to get out. And after an ah-ha moment at Reset Retreat, I’m ready to have a relationship with it again.
During a deep conversation about it with a few guests, it felt like a puzzle piece fell into place. I could feel a shift in my heart… That could be an entire blog in itself, but in short, they shared ways to look at it differently and I was open to looking at it differently. I could feel the excitement seeping back in and filling up a bit of my soul that was running on empty.
There is no question I love singing. It’s a matter of finding what part of it makes me happy.
I stepped onto the plane, headed back from Reset Retreat, and made a vow to myself to simply play with this idea for a bit. See what shows up. Say ‘yes’ to one thing a week with no expectation that I should love it or that it will make me happy. I may dislike it all, but perhaps I’ll land on something that feels just right.
Arriving in Houston, I was standing at the baggage claim, and a women struck up a conversation with me. After brief conversation, I learned she was the manager of a music legend! I started laughing out loud because the absurdity of this showing up.
She looked at me confused and asked, “what’s so funny?” I responded, “I set an intention about finding my love for music again when I stepped on that plane. And here you are.” Her response, “well, let’s make this happen then.”